Oh my goodness, I know its been a while since I have done a blog, however after the weekend that I experienced I had to do one! DISCLAIMER: MOST NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE NOT SO INNOCENT
This epic craziness started Friday night. What had happened was I went to my friend "Michelle's" house, well everyone was already wasted by the time I got there at 8:45pm. But how the night ended is where the story really starts. "Bob" was super wasted after a day of partying hard. He ended up making a complete puke fest. The puke fest that I witnessed reminded my of a baby bird opening its mouth for his momma to drop a worm in. But the circumstances are nothing like that. Then later "Michael" ended up getting so wasted that he was sitting at the dining room table and must have had a dream he was in the bathroom because he sure as fuck WASN'T really in the bathroom. Well he ends up pissing all over himself, in the dining room. And if that wasn't enough Michelle and I were playing cards. Playing war to be exact, but thats not the point. Well I start to hear water. But noone else except for us 2 are awake. So we go downstairs where the sound was coming from. We get downstairs to see the most horrible sight. "Robby" had gotten so shitfaced that he thought he was in the bathroom when he was REALLY just standing in the living room pissing all on the coffee table and floor. Michelle yells at him asking him what he was doing. He turns around to us, lil wee-nah still in hand AND still pissing and replys "nuthin". She yells ROBBY YOUR PISSING ALL OVER MY COFFEE TABLE, at which he replys "nuh-huh". So we go back upstairs to laugh about the craziness we have just experienced.
On Saturday I go back to Michelle & Michaels. Michelle has already told everyone what happened the night before, which was great because that was one secret that I knew there was no way I was going to be able to keep. Boy did that open a can of worms. There were a few more people there this time so the story got repeated over and over about the previous nights events. However, every person also had pissy pants or shitty drawers stories. I understand that we are all grown adults and should really not be talking about these kinds of things but we just couldn't help it. So here are some stories that were told.
"archie" starts off with, well it was free chili night at Hard Times Cafe (you know this story is going to be fucked up) and my stomach was already messed up but you can't pass up free chili. So he has the "farts" or so he thought. No, it was the sharts. His underroos feel a little mushy so he goes to the bathroom for further inspection. And yes, sure enough he had shit himself. And with that- he had to "abandon his underwear, right there in the bathroom".
So then this other man, I'll call him "danny". Well Danny was talking about doing some training or some shit for work. Kind of like a boot camp thing. He has finished one segment and is offered a chance to use the "loo". He kinda feels like he has to go but decides he can wait til the next one. He continues doing his training and his ass tells him theres no more waiting, but its ok he is almost to the "loo". But oh no, as he proceeds to the "loo" are he notices that he must climb up 2 ladders to get to it. His ass could no longer wait. When he finally gets to the pot he pulls down his pants and his drawers are "full". He doesnt have time to take off his boots and pants so he whips out his knife and cuts his underwear off right there and leaves them.
And of course I have had one of these miserable experiences as well. So I am not going to just talk about others mishaps I will include my own. I was sleeping and I was dreaming that I was in this elevator. The elevator cable broke and the elevator starts dropping, very fast and it scares the piss out of me. Literally! I got so scared I pissed the bed. My husband was in bed next to me and I had jumped up, right before I realized I had pissed the bed. He asked if everything was OK and I said I had a nightmare. I get up and go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come out he asks again, are you sure your OK the bed is wet. Then I had to tell him about the dream and he got up and changed the sheets and went back to sleep. We never spoke of this event again.
thats OK, Gene is also a victim of the nasty pants. Gene had to go number two so bad. He goes to the bathroom and being one of those people who are afraid to sit on a public toilet seat he perches above it prepared to drop his deuce into the toilet. However his deuce wasnt alone. It has lots of fast runny friends. He proceeds to paint the wall with fecal matter. (I believe this too also happened at Hard Times)
Well then theres another story of Danny. Danny was so wasted he was sitting on the toilet with the shits and puking into a trash can. Well the intoxication took over and he in turn fell over, plus let me mention he is not a little guy. He is neither short nor skinny. He proceeds to fall over. So the trashcan of puke goes all over him. FAIL!
So "mark" and "jessica" are super hammered and just met. They end up having a night of drunken sex. Jessica passes out and mark realizes he has to go pee. So he 1/2 eye open (yeah I just said that) gets up and goes to the bathroom. He is standing there pissing when he opens both eyes, just to see he is standing over the chick he just met, just banged and is pissing all over her. I don't think she ever called him again.
Yet another story, "regina" and "patrick" are celebrating New Years at a friends house with a few other couples and one of the guys brother. The brother had been hitting on Regina all night long. However Regina was with Patrick. They had gone up to a spare bedroom and were bringing in the New Year right, if ya get my drift. Well while they are in the middle of getting in on the brother comes into the room. They stop what they were doing. The brother proceeds over to the closet, opens it, and proceeds to piss in the closet which was full of clothes. Regina and Patrick finish their business and goes back to the party and tell dude's brother that he had just pissed in the closet. Oh boy did his wife get pissed! She made us all leave. I mean she made THEM leave, ooopsie.
I have many more stories to post but I have to work for a little while. I hope to get back on and finish this very inappropriate and gross blog.
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