When things get complicated

I hate it when life gets even more complicated than it already is. I am in the most screwed up position right now, I just don't know what to do.

I got a new job at the holiday inn near my house. I work in the mornings as a server and some evenings in the banquet department working parties. Well, I just found out that when I do banquet events I only get paid my hourly pay ($7). Yet the company charges the event holder a 20% fee. OK! I did catering sales, in a hotel. And I know damn well that we paid the individuals that worked that fee. The only person that doesn't get a part of it is the bartender. I busted my ass for this holiday party on Sunday. I was so pissed when I found this out! What fucking place does this? So I am back looking for a new job, again. I hate looking for jobs! I miss the days when they came to me. UGH! Its so frustrating. Oh, and when I work breakfast I don't make shit. I had been working with someone so we split tips. I was going home with between $15-25. I worked by myself twice this week. One day I made about $20 and then next $60. Sure, its not bad for 6 hours of work, but its not enough to take care of my family. So frustrated!

Men, men, men! Wow, now this is where shit gets complicated. So the man that I had blogged about in September (the one that I really liked but I fucked it up) is back in my life. But not how I want. He made it clear that we are "just friends". Or in his words, and I quote, "I like hanging out with you but that's as far as it goes. You're my friend but, I don't want more than that. I'm not the asshole, I don't mean to be. I like your company. I don't want to complicate that. I'm not a faker, if you feel that I led you on. I never told you I love you or that you're the one. We hang out, we have a good time. If you expected more you should have said something more"............... really douche bag??? What part of "hey, I see your single again. can I have another chance?" did you not fucking get? When I had texted him that, his reply was yes. Yet a week later here we are. I am not going to lie. I do enjoy being around him. I just don't know it its really him or just that I am with someone or just the fact that I am out of the house.

Cue next craziness, the ex, oh my the ex.... Well in October I made the "mistake" of telling my ex I was "excited". Well bam 45 minutes later we are naked in the bathroom at my work. Afterwards he says, this is just sex. Yeah, I am cool with that! Well this past weekend it happened again. I had sent him an email at 3am about the kids. He texts me back to see if I was still awake. And there you go, he's at the house about 30 minutes later. After we do our thing I pull such a douche move. I was like, well thanks for the awesome ass get off my bed and go sleep on the couch. And he's all like, yeah I guess it would confuse the kids if they woke up to mommy and daddy in the same bed. ya think??? He was supposed to come over the next day anyways to hang with the kids. In the morning the oldest kid texts him to see when he was coming over and he tells her that he is already here. All she could muster up was "awkward".

And the next guy.... Oh my! Now this one, I should not be talking to at all! Its just asking for trouble. But I can't help it, I like trouble. No he is not a bad boy. he is just young, very young. I met him 2 years ago when I was staying at my moms, from the same dating site that I met guy #1. He was 24 then. He is in college and he is very sexy! I have not had sex with him, yet. We only communicate 6 months of the year, the other six he is in another state. Well he is back home and hit me up the other day. Damn, why do I put myself in these spots? I like sex, I really really do. I am only with DB #1 so I can date other guys and not have sex with them. Yet I can't seem to find a guy that I like. One that I can just chill with like guy #1. Here's what I need, I need a human mixer. Take some parts from guy #1- how awesome it is when we hang out with the certain body parts of guy #2 and the fact that I can have him over my house and the "eagerness" of guy #3, that would be perfect. But no, life is no where near perfect!

Blah, all this thinking, cleaning, and job hunting for the past few hours has made me exhausted. I'm taking a nap.

Thanks for reading!